Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
