Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
