if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
