i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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