Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
