I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
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Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
