i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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