the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
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My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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