I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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