if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
