When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
