im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
