Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
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she said she was living bicuriously through me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...