I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
