Swine flu is the new snow day.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
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Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
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Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."