Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
