Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
