Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
