Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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