true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
