Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
