I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i think my cat just said my name.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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