Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
