As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
