i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
