He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You ruined the universe
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
