I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
