somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably