i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
