phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"