Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.