If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..