I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
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