dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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