its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
