Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
