You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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