Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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