my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
