I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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