she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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