remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
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He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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