So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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