Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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