I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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