I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
