This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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