I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
