I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
