my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
