I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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