filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
