I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
