Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
