I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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