I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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