No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
