I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
