Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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