she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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