he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
