im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
