I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
