The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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