Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
