I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
