Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
